shewee - the vedict

The shewee, it turns out, does take some practice. For one thing I'm trying to wee and I'm standing up and that's something my body just isn't used to happening. I have years of being successfully potty trained where standing is an automatic no to bladder release. I can't expect my body not to go "nu-uh!"
So there I am, trying really hard to relax the necessary muscles thinking 'well come on then' and muscles not under my control are going 'no way, you're still standing. Sit the heck down'. Despite an urgency, nothing is happening. THIS is how men feel when they get anxious in the gents. I had no idea!

Eventually, with some gentle persuading of the aforementioned muscles and me picturing myself on the loo, I can feel I'm going but alarmingly I see no result. I am convinced I am in fact weeing down my leg. I can feel I'm going but where is the wee? Panicking I try to constrict every muscle I have but this was an urgent pee stop. I do not have the pelvic floor muscle control I would like. (note to self: do more Kegel exercises)to stop about 2 pints of liquid pushing the other way.

But look! there is a trickle and it's... Eureka! it's it's... oh no, it's splashing on my shoes. Oh the indignity.

I move my feet a little and check for progress but now there seems to be less coming out of the shewee than I think ought to be. I mentally check for any warm sensations in my shorts (inconclusive) but I think I feel a tiny trickle down one leg. I'm so anxious that my pelvic floor does the muscle equivalent of a handbrake turn and I can't wee anymore. I don't know whether I stopped through nerves/paranoia or stopped cos I'm finished. A mile down the road, I found a place for some good old-fashioned squatting and boy did I go.

So, not the instant hit I had hoped. I used it about three times and each time I was unable to relax the muscle enough because I was always paranoid that I was missing it and weeing into my pink and lacies. On one time I was sure I could feel a tiny trickle down my leg. I think I need to practice at home with it (where I can change if necessary) before taking out on the road again.

Update:
just used it at home. It worked much better this time and with practice I could probably get the hang of it but the most interesting thing is:

I left the loo seat up

*slaps forehead*